Awaiting the Answers

The longer I sit at my keyboard tonight, the harder it seems to form the right words for this post. My mind is full of many things and I am tired...but at the moment my heart is heavier than my eyelids.

God has been teaching me much in the past week...about trust, about pain, about His faithfulness when I am faithless, about resting in Him when everything else seems uncertain.

A little over a week ago my life changed dramatically. With one difficult decision all my plans for the future came crashing down; leaving me with a sick feeling in my stomach and a void in my heart.

I find myself asking, "God, what now? I know You have a purpose in this, but can't You let me see a little of the bigger picture?"

Today even my own personal pain seemed to pale as I sat in the hospital room of my adopted Grandma and listened to a doctor tell her she has cancer...and later tonight as I learned that the nephew of a family in our church, a teenager, took his own life this morning, I thought my heart would break over the anguish and grief these families must be experiencing.

In times like these I find it very difficult not to ask God, "Why?" Somehow I don't think God minds honest questions. In the Psalms David repeatedly and bluntly asks God why He allows things to happen. I find this comforting. Yet, it is also challenging to see that time and again after he questions, David comes back to God's faithfulness and says..."But I still trust in You."
This is what David said after one of his periods of questioning God...

"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant--I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:21-26 (NLT)

I may not ever know the answers...my heart may ache with the pain of life...I may not get to see the bigger picture until Heaven...but I can rest in God's faithfulness and in knowing that...

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8

Solace...

Poem from the Devotional Streams in the Desert

Perhaps thou, too, hast camped by such sweet waters,
And quenched with joy thy weary parched soul's thirst:
To find, as time goes on, thy streamlet alters,
From what it was at first.

Hearts that have cheered, or soothed, or blest, or strengthened:
Loves that have lavished unreservedly:
Joys, treasured joys--have passed, as time hath lengthened,
Into obscurity.

If then, O soul, the brook thy heart hath cherished
Doth fail thee now--no more thy thirst assuage--
If its once glad refreshing streams have perished,
Let HIM thy heart engage.

He will not fail, nor mock, nor dissapoint thee:
His comfort and care change not with the years:
With oil of joy He surely will anoint thee,
And wipe away thy tears.

--J. Danson Smith

Be Still...

I am probably the world's worst person at being still. Even in moments when life is not hurried, I get busy distracting myself with a book, the computer, or by texting/calling friends. This afternoon was no different. After Sunday dinner and spending some time on the computer I decided to get some exercise. So I donned my tennis shoes, grabbed my i-pod, and headed out the door for a brisk walk in the Autumn air. Only today was different. As I crossed the highway and began pumping down my favorite gravel road, suddenly my music seemed like so much noise, and my heart-pounding pace seemed much too rushed. Something seemed to say, "Slow down, and enjoy the beauty of this day." So I did. I pulled out my ear-buds, stuck my i-pod in my pocket, and slowed my calorie-burning pace down to a leisurely stroll. And I listened...and watched...and absorbed...and oh the delightful things I discovered.

I heard the soft crunch of gravel under my shoes. I felt a gentle breeze, free from the humidity of summer and carrying a hint of the chill of winter, blow across my face and cause the dry cornstalks in the field beside me to rustle. I listened to the incessant buzz of cicadas in the trees, and the musical chirp of crickets in the grass. I watched tiny black beetles scurry across the road, saw a fuzzy brown caterpillar inch its way along, and observed a large, gangly grasshopper thump its way home. I saw small, yellow butterflies dance in midair, and swoop to nearly touch my face. I stopped to pick some bright purple clover and a little white wildflower resembling a miniature daisy. I picked up an acorn that fell from a tree unto the road beside me and felt its smooth, round surface. I looked up to see tall trees with multi-colored leaves silhouetted against a bright blue sky. And as I walked, and looked, and listened, I found my mind calming down, and my thoughts turning to prayer and thankfulness to God for the simple beauty He has created.

So often I rush though life at a frantic and distracted pace, and I forget the simple command to "Be still, and know that I am God." Today I was reminded of that need to calm my heart and simply listen as God speaks to me, be it though the pages of His Word or the beauty of His creation.